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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in .the one you'll never see.'s LiveJournal:

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Thursday, June 2nd, 2005
moved to


i'll add you all back. needed a change.
prove i'm a liar...
Tuesday, May 31st, 2005
when you say i'm lying....
it's like the pot calling the kettle black.

and i'm sure we're all tired of old cliches,
but i'm tired of this.

i'm tired of you... and
i'm tired of crying over you.

and to think i once loved you...

it makes me want to vomit.


i'm still really sorry ashley.

i'm sorry things turned out the way they did. but i'd still like to talk to you incase you were wondering.
so i guess i'm supposedly a liar now,
but really i don't care,
because the person it came from was someone who means nothing to me anyway so whatever.
i think i really care about jordan too. he's the greatest. and he treats me wonderfully. and i'm trying not to dive headfirst into this, but there's so much i wasn't aware of until this weekend. he's so awesome. i probably don't deserve him he's so good to me.
justin was in town this weekend and actually told someone to tell me hi for him. that's a first. no joke.


Current Mood: u make me smile thru the tears
(2 people have tried and failed.will you be next?) prove i'm a liar...
Monday, May 30th, 2005
i am absolutely infatuated,with you. did you know that?

& people don't understand you, & until tonight, neither did i, but now i hope i understand you a little bit better.

& you held me while i cried, but not many people will do that. & i'm afraid to get too close, but you treat me like, literally, NO one has before.

I seriously enjoy hanging with you. you make me feel pretty, and loved, and you're the sweetest guy i know, even if it's only when you're talking to me.

i've never seen this side of you, but i know it makes me freaking happy.


Current Mood: you...are just wonderful to me
prove i'm a liar...
drive me backwards down this one way road.
i know you're sure just where to go,
cause baby we've been there ten thousand times before.

Current Mood: i want to see jordan.
prove i'm a liar...
to multipe people.
I AM SORRY. I'm sorry I'm such a bitch. I'm sorry I'm a screwup. I'm sorry I interfere in relationships that really mean nothing to me. I'm sorry I mess with minds. I'm sorry I piss you off. I'm sorry you don't understand. I'm sorry if you're upset with me. I'm sorry if I get boyfriends often. I'm sorry if I'm friends with the guy you like. I'm sorry if I accidentally do something wrong. I'm sorry if I'm dating someone you don't like. I'm sorry you're a bitch first. I'm sorry I'm not as strong as you in my faith. I'm sorry I'm a girl. I'm sorry I treat you like shit. I'm sorry I like the guy you just decided to like. I AM FREAKING SORRY THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT GOES ON IN MY HEAD.

but i have a special apology....(but that doesn't mean some of the apologies up there aren't for you either)

I am sorry. Tell Jason I'm sorry. I'm not really trying to interfere. At least, that wasn't my intention. I'm trying to save you from getting hurt Ash, but it's not my place. I'm gonna bug off from now on. And you won't even have to worry about me. I really am super sorry and I just hope we're cool.

Current Mood: crappy
prove i'm a liar...
Saturday, May 28th, 2005
it is late...or early...or something
THIS TOWN BLOWS. What was stated here originally has now been retracted and sure it still happened so whatever. Ashley, I'm still sorry. I hope the two of you are still fine or whatever because i'm totally done. it's over. i hate this fucking town. and i wish i could leave becuase given the chance, i'd go in a heartbeat. tipton would make me much happier. my best friends go there. my cousin goes there. i want to be there instead of here. i'd miss my friends, but man... it's probably worth the sacrifice. i mean, i'd still talk to my friends here but to go somewhere where you're not treated like shit...that's so much better. to go somewhere where you have friends that give a shit about you and that hold you accountable...that's ten times better than backstabbing little bitches....which i know i am one. so whatever. i want to get away from myself maybe. i need to get a hold of myself. i don't know if i can or not.

okay, so, i'm gonna go.


p.s. you rock my socks and you are totally awesome, kaysha, beth, + faren. i hope we do this all summer.

Current Mood: giddy
(2 people have tried and failed.will you be next?) prove i'm a liar...
Thursday, May 26th, 2005

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

anna nalick- breathe (2 AM)

Current Mood: hehehe
prove i'm a liar...
Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How long have you known me?
5. Do you have a crush on me?
6. Would you kiss me?
7. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
8. Describe me in one word.
9. What was your first impression?
10. Do you still think that way about me now?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?

Current Mood: amused
(3 people have tried and failed.will you be next?) prove i'm a liar...
Tuesday, May 24th, 2005
i think i like it when you hold my hand... simply because... you make me feel so safe.

Current Mood: i'm glad we hung out today....
(7 people have tried and failed.will you be next?) prove i'm a liar...
Sunday, May 22nd, 2005
variety show was pretty kick awesome. i'm sort of glad and sort of upset that it's over but i also have three more years of this so it doesn't matter. faren, i'm sorry that you and jesse broke up. i thought he was a good one. he's a loser. oh well, you're better off. i'm tired. bleh. sha'la, you looked pretty in that dress so please don't say you looked pregnant. i saw justin saturday. that was exciting. if i wasn't such a wuss i'd have gone to his grandparent's house this weekend and seen if he could come to variety show. oh well. that's okay. i don't wanna rush things with our friendship getting healed this time. i'm only gonna be at school til ten tomorrow cause i have a dentist's appointment and then a doctor's appointment. i'm excited cause i think the doctor will take me off my medicine since i'm gonna tell him i haven't taken it for a week and a half. it's exciting. well, i'm gonna go since i have nothing productive to say.


Current Mood: indifferent
(1 people have tried and failed.will you be next?) prove i'm a liar...
Friday, May 20th, 2005
these are the things i wish i could say to him
i think, for once in my life, i'm really gonna get over you. you know that? i'm done getting my hopes up with you. you're not effing worth it to me anymore. ya know? i'm trying to keep a stable friendship here w/you and all you can do is ruin my freaking views on a normal friendship by doing what...you...me...we did. and... i hope you're happy. and i hope she's happy. but i'm not happy with being the interfering bitch, so i'm done. i don't want you to look me in the eyes one more time, because if you do, i might grab a gun and shoot your freaking head off so i can't look in your eyes. i don't know why they make me need you. they're ugly. they really are. and you... you are a scrawny little boy. you don't even realize what you do to me. you make me weak in the knees just knowing your freaking looking my direction. you make me feel numb and feel everything at the same time. WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES? why do you do this to me? because i let you. because i've been the pawn in your childish little game for way to long to quit now. and now... i'm not sure if i can get out. do you realize that you do this to me? do you even freaking care? because i don't really think you do. ya know? you throw me around like a little freaking rag doll and you toss me away when someone "better" comes around, but once that "better" person comes around, oh, then you're back in front of me. you're holding me then. you're kissing me and telling me i'm beautiful and you love me. yeah. i hate liars. what's wrong with you? what's wrong with me? what's wrong with us? what the hell was ever wrong with "us"? was there even ever an "us"? because i don't think there really ever was. you are such an ass. i can't believe i'm stupid enough to fall for this ring-around-the-rosies shit with you again. i can't believe myself. i've cried more and cussed more since tuesday than i've done since i dedicated my life. i let you lead me off track every time. i realize that i need to distance myself from you, but i'm not really sure how. i know that what i'm saying is impossible, but i need to make it possible because you're killing me. and fast. please, just leave me alone for a little while. give me some time to breathe. give me some time to get over you. and then, if you wanna be friends, we can talk, but until then... i need to get away from you because if i don't, i know that i will end up killing someone.

these are the things i wish i could say to him... i need freaking help you guys... you don't even understand how much he gets to me. you don't know what i go through everytime he looks my direction. he makes me feel faint, but makes me alive at the same time. please...someone help me.


Current Mood: freaking psychotic
(5 people have tried and failed.will you be next?) prove i'm a liar...
Thursday, May 19th, 2005
um... for a real update now... variety show is going well i suppose. i'm a little worried, to tell the truth. so i talked to someone last night and i was gonna talk to aaron last night too but decided to hold off because of 1) he's not ready... and 2) i'm really not ready for this at all. i decided that if things are gonna happen then they happen, but right now, i'm not ready. it doesn't really have anything to do with aaron. if i really felt like the time were right, i'd make the move, but seriously... no. besides, stupid people like to put stupid ideas back into my head by their actions. i always say i'm not gonna get my hopes up, but when he comes around... man... my hopes are definetely up. but... well... nevermind. i just... i'm confused about his actions. and i'm not talking about aaron either. aaron isn't confusing. he's a cool cat. lol. okay. um... well... i guess i'm gonna go. i'm just a little lost on the whole situation. and i love you beth for coming to the bathroom w/me yesterday in choir so i could cry and thank you and i love you faren for sitting with me while i cried and talking to him for me. k, i'm gonna run. love ya guys, emily

Current Mood: a little lost
prove i'm a liar...
Wednesday, May 18th, 2005

The Favorites, Have-You-Evers.. and Last Times! Oh, the variety!

Created by -ambiguous and taken 52682 times on bzoink!

What is your favorite..
gumum.. orbit
restaurantburger king!
drinkdr. pepper
type of weatherWARM AND SUNNY
thing to do on a half dayhang out at home and be a loser
late-night activitywatch t.v. or listen to music
cityi don't know...
storeum... kato's... or kado's... or something like that.
When was the last time you..
criedafter lunch today
played a sportlast... thursday
hugged someonelast night
kissed someonelast night... unfortunately...
felt depressedALL FREAKING DAY
felt elatedlast night
felt overworkedEVERY FREAKING DAY... today a lot though.
faked sicki don't fake sick...
liedi don't know.
What was the last..
word you saidyeah
thing you ategraham cracker...
song you listened toi don't remember...
thing you drankpepsi
place you went toschool...
movie you sawi don't know
movie you rentedi don't know
concert you attendedwaking lazarus, almost tomorrow, and poetic nothing.
Who was the last person you..
hugged... i don't wanna talk about it...
cried over...i don't wanna talk about it...
kissed... i don't wanna talk about it...
danced withMAX!!!
shared a secret withBeth Hartsock
had a sleepover withum........ faren maybe?
went to a movie withmy parents...i think?
sawmy daddy
were angry withjason
couldn't take your eyes off of... i don't wanna talk about it...
obsessed overAARON....ummm... yeah.
Have you ever..
danced in the rainyes
kissed someoneyes
drank alcoholyes
slept aroundno
partied 'til the sun came upno
had a movie marathonno
gone too far on a dareno
spun until you were immensely dizzyyes
taken a survey quite like this beforeno

Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

Current Mood: confused
prove i'm a liar...
Why do we do this to ourselves?

i just don't understand the games we play with eachother's hearts, kid.

could you please explain this to me?

because i think i liked the way i felt last night.

Current Mood: it was a shock to me.
prove i'm a liar...
Tuesday, May 17th, 2005
i just have one thing to say to you...

every time you look at me that way and ask, "what's the matter?" i have nothing to say to you

because that's the way you used to look at me when we were together,

and that makes me sad.

i just wish you wouldn't do these things to me.

you leave me speachless.

and i hate it when you do that to me.

Current Mood: i wish i didn't love you.
prove i'm a liar...
sitting here w/beth in the publications room cause we escaped study hall. hate that class. no joke. bleh. wow, so i'm really bored. and i'm wearing a skirt today and i actually feel kinda pretty. no joke. hehe. awww, i'm excited, cause we get to wear freaking flappers for ragtime in show choir. yes. that rocks so much.

also, i'm so much of a wuss that i can't even get up the nerve to talk to him.


Current Mood: crazy
(1 people have tried and failed.will you be next?) prove i'm a liar...
Monday, May 16th, 2005
i think i may be starting to like him again. i mean, i liked him at the beginning of the year, but then he got a g/f and i was too much of a wuss before he got a g/f, and now that they're not dating...i don't know what to think. i think though that i may like him. but... i'm not gonna date him. i'm not even gonna make a move.

brian and i got to hang out for a little while at the morning service yesterday, woohoo, the service rocked. i've never seen so many adults fired up and having, possibly, more energy than me + faren when i stay the night over there. lol.

home sucks. mom and dad are arguing again exceedingly. william needs stronger medicine. he hit me twice this morning, was threatening me with a knife and a stapler, and he threw his backpack at drake + i at 10:25 last night. it sucks superly.

superbus. haha. latin rocks.

later, on to dance prac. soon.


Current Mood: aggravated
prove i'm a liar...
Sunday, May 15th, 2005
last night's show was amazing. i absolutely love waking lazarus. i got a ton of pictures (including one of K.C.) and i got Joe (guitarist) to throw me a pick and i got his autograph because i'm that big of a loser. i also am getting their c.d. soon and i got almost tomorrow's c.d. last night. it was so much fun and it was amazing to get to hang out w/amber c. last night too. she's such a cool person and she's easy to talk to about stuff like boys. bleh. lol. okay, i'm gonna go cause i have to be at church at 8:30 + i need to eat a little something before i go dance dance dance.


Current Mood: happy happy joy joy
(1 people have tried and failed.will you be next?) prove i'm a liar...
Friday, May 13th, 2005

I am the happiest person alive.

My father just gave me his consent to go to the show tomorrow night.

and that makes me flipping happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Current Mood: giddy
prove i'm a liar...
Thursday, May 12th, 2005

honey, i miss you. you have no idea how much i miss being in your arms and smelling your house's smell on you. it always makes me fall back in love. and i try to fill this void with other guys and it never helps. do you realize that? it never helps. i love you with all my heart. there's so much i'd like to say to you, but i'm afraid to offend you and i'd like to not make people hate me for 1)messing things up w/you two and 2)wanting to be with you. i still love you though, no matter what people think of the situation. and sure, they know you well enough to know that you're not the greatest person, but they don't know you on the level that i know you. i miss you .so much and you don't even understand. and i won't tell you. at least, not yet. not until later. i don't want to mess things up between us or you and her. i know that i'd make people hate me and i can't deal with that again. people realize that hey, she still likes him, but they don't know what i'm going through. this is torture. and that's why i'm taking a break. that and i'm not spiritually ready to be with somone other than you. i love you and no one else. i would be committing adultry in my heart if i dated someone else because i love you and NO ONE ELSE.

wow, this was random. i'm done now. sorry, but i've got some stuff on my chest.

Current Mood: softball prac. earlier. bleh.
(1 people have tried and failed.will you be next?) prove i'm a liar...
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